My 28-year-old daughter is extremely rude to me but won’t move out. What can I do?
THE QUESTION
My 28-year-old daughter moved in with me after we hadn't lived together for 10 years. Before she moved in, I told her she could only move in with me if she was on her best behaviour. She agreed but since then proved that she hasn't grown up enough to make our living arrangements work out at all. I've told her that she has to move out twice now, but she hasn't. How do I get her to move out? I have to protect my own mental health. She has texted me, calling me a foul name many times, and told me how much she hates me (hate was in caps). Basically, she says and does whatever she wants, which includes not moving out when I ask her to. She has a full-time, well-paying job, she has been saving for a down payment to buy her own home and she's gone from living in her dad's house to living in my house. I need her to move out ASAP. What can I do?
THE ANSWER
What an awful situation. You raise a kid from full nappies and baby goo and "receiving blankets" (one of my favourite parenting terms: so called because you place the blanket on your shoulder and it "receives" your baby's barf) all the way to age 28 and this is how you're repaid?
And it seems to be getting more and more common. More than a third of Canadians 20-34 still live with their parents, according to Statistics Canada. In Toronto, where I live, it's almost half! I've seen it blamed on any number of reasons: difficulty getting a job, skyrocketing price of housing … You can also hear people muttering about how this generation of young people is "mollycoddled" and "entitled."
(I've even heard someone blame it on not keeping score in sports like soccer when they were kids.)
Part of it may be some parents have a hard time letting go. I know I will when the time comes for any of my three boys to leave the nest. My eyes fill with tears just thinking about it.
(Then those same tearful eyes might land on a banana peel on the coffee table and I think: "Will it be all bad?")
But you have to give your daughter the "gift of independence" – the gift of growing up and being an adult – sooner rather than later, sounds like.
She needs to grow up, clearly. She's telling you she "hates" you? What is she, five?
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Start by giving her a deadline. Bring out the calendar, mark a day and say: "I need you to leave the house by this date."
If she still flatly refuses – well, you may have to compel her to accept the "gift of independence."
This may seem extreme. But I spoke to friend-of-the-column Eric Shapiro of the family law firm Skapinker and Shapiro, and he says, past a certain age, and barring any disabilities, you are within your rights to forcibly eject your daughter.
You should check with a lawyer first, or paralegal, but the police could even become involved. Or you could change the locks while she's at work.
Obviously, it would be a terrible scenario, only used as a last resort. There might be yelling and screaming. Neighbours might peer through the curtains, faces alight with schadenfreude, fingers scrolling through the contacts list on their cell phones, trying to decide whom to call first with this juicy piece of gossip.
But as you say yourself: you have to protect your own mental health.
Worried she might end up homeless (stops a lot of parents from kicking their "grown children" out, I think)? But you say she has a well-paying, full-time job.
She's saving for her own place? Let her save from some crummy dump in a sketchy part of town, maybe with roommates causing her to climb the walls, as so many of us had to.
Worried she might wind up hating you? Seems like that ship's already sailed: she's telling you she hates you (in all caps), calling you the worst name she can think of – that anyone can think of – what have you got to lose?
Nowhere to go but up from here, I say. In fact, maybe after some experience with the outside, she may come to appreciate you, your property, the roof protecting her head from rain and snow, and how patient you've been with her.
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